We're facebook friends in real life
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
