Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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