Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Of course I have a pirate flag
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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