i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
