someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Define "chronic" masturbator.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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