I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The Olympian is in my bed
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
