maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
