If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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