i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
