Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize