I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize