just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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