It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
