I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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