to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
