I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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