Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
