I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
