Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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