I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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