did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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