someone threw a dead crab at me
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
