She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize