When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
