we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
