Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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