Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
