My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize