Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
