yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
