Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
