So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
