i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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