Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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