It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
