I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
