i think my tv is drunk
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
