i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
