I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
