you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
