a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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