just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
