Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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