seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
