got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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