Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
