Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
