Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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