it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
