Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
