There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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