She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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