Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
