He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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