on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
