If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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