Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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