I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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