I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Life is so much better after having sex.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize