Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
