K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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