I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
