I didn't shave. On purpose
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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