Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
